I recently read Neal Pollack's blog entitled "When toddlers get fired". http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2005/05/28/expulsion/ Mr. Pollack relives the expulsion of his two-year-old son from pre-school. I have a few observations and many questions:
First, parents and teachers should work in partnership when a child is having difficulty at pre-school. Adults are more effective when they are on the same page when it comes to the education of their children. Parent/teacher conferences are required for questions of discipline and behavior. Teachers should not have these serious discussions when parents are picking up their children. The same goes for the parents of the child that was hurt. Each family needs to know that a plan is going to be put in place to improve the situation.
Second, it is not out of the norm for two-year-olds to bite. To be sure, it is a behavior that must be redirected, but most well trained teachers know this is developmentally appropriate behavior that can be successfully dealt with. Some young children discover that their words do not come out fast enough, so it is just easier to strike out with fists or teeth. I guarantee you, they are reacting to some stimulus, whether obvious or subtle. Careful observation and "shadowing" will shed light on and control the situation in due time.
Third, it is a mistake to label children. They are not bad or good, nice or mean. They are not biters or hitters. Their actions do not define who they are at the age of two. They do indicate, however, what they are feeling and experiencing. They can feel insecure, overwhelmed, afraid, lonely, happy, ecstatic, and everything inbetween. Healthy children act out their feelings; knowledgeable adults redirect actions that are inappropriate or might cause harm.
Fourth, very young children learn all their social skills from adults. Ideally, they learn to negotiate, to share, to make friends; in other words, to be social animals in this very complicated world. The best way adults teach this skill is through role modeling. If a small child observes an adult thanking someone for a kindness or gift, he/she will eventually learn that behavior and adopt it. If an adult makes the child thank someone, they have learned little. This may seem obvious, but I would be extremely wealthy if I had a dime for every instance of watching parents cajole and insist "What do you say?"
Fifth, it is well understood that biting is an emotionally charged subject. No parent wants to see their child hurt. By the same token, the parents of the child who is acting out feel tremendous guilt and stress. Trained professionals, i.e., teachers and administrators, know that this problem is not insurmountable. They must be willing to provide enough staff, and yes that includes the "gaggle of assistants", to put their plan into action.
Finally, when toddlers get fired from school, it says more about the adults caring for them, then it says about the child. It appears, In Elijah's case, there are a lot of adults who have lost control. Rewarding children with food or sweets to stop an unwanted behavior is ill-advised at best and flat out dangerous at worst, given this country's insidious eating disorders.
Much is said in this blog, but much more is left to the imagination:
Mr. Pollack mentions several instances where Elijah has put rocks and other things up his nose. I also gleaned that Elijah has bitten several times. Reference was made to poor child to adult ratios. How many caregivers were provided for Elijah's class? Were the "gaggle of assistants" just warm bodies or trained teachers? Was an administrator of any kind involved with the teachers during what seems like numerous incidents? Is Elijah bored at school? Is he not being challenged by the curriculum? Or, is he overstimulated? Is he overwhelmed in large groups of children? Does Elijah become stressed when he is dropped off at school?
It is clear that money is a factor in the quality of the care Elijah receives. Is there state subsidy provided for child care in your community?
Elijah is described as being under foot "screeching" for most of the day when he is home. Is Elijah bored? What toys, equipment, activities are available to Elijah at home? No offense, but children don't come with a manual when they are born. Have the Pollacks looked into parenting classes to help cope with raising a young child? Many communities have free or inexpensive courses for parents.
Elijah consistently repeats, "I'm a good boy!" Refer to my third comment above. Are the teachers telling Elijah he is bad?
Elijah's first teacher said she and her staff had tried everything. What plan was put into place? Did they observe and record details of Elijah's day? What was happening before each bite? Did the bites occur during the same time of day; before a meal for instance? Sophie was Elijah's target. What did the teachers put into place for Sophie? Was she encouraged to tell Elijah to stop or stay out of his way? Is she the target of aggression from other children? Was Elijah "shadowed"? Did staff keep him close enough to block bites? Was he confronted immediately and told to Stop!? It is meaningless to confront a young child even minutes after the event given their short attention span.
Finally, the Pollacks are clearly uncomfortable with Elijah. They love him. Their pain and anguish over his expulsion is evident. Obviously they are not alone. They are not bad parents. Elijah needs limits set and his parents need to summon all the patience they can muster to make that happen. He needs their attention when they are not working, and the Pollacks need to believe that sometime in the near future they will no longer think of Elijah as "difficult".
posted by Moni @ 3:01 PM
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